1. “Daddy, do you have a spider up your nose?”
A. No, son, what you are observing is merely a hirsute nasal passage, as is normal among the uncommonly wise and talented.

2. “Daddy, are you eating blu-tac?”
A. No, son. The substance on Daddy’s toast is Helio brand Blueberry Jam. As far as I know, Helio do not include modified Petro-Chemicals as an ingredient in their Blueberry Jam but if Daddy should suddenly exhibit symptoms of Dr. Strangelove Syndrome please inform the authorities.

3. “Daddy, where did the dark go ?”
A. Well, son, in my case the dark lifted when I became a Christian some years ago. That helped me overcome my alcoholism and desperate, incapacitating fear of the future. Without a doubt, if it wasn’t for Jesus we would not be having this conversation today. But in general terms the inertial angular momentum of the Earth, from which gravity is derived, causes it to spin once on its axis of rotation relative to the stars every 23.93419 hours, an hour being a construction devised by Ancient Babylonians. Once our hemisphere points towards the Sun, the dark disappears as light is the antithesis of dark.

4. “Daddy, do sharks eat cars ?”
A. Yes. Here is the proof.

5. “FunnyMan, what does Pooh Bear eat ?”
A. Dinosaurs.

6. “FunnyMan, can you say something nice to Daddy?”
A. Bacon.

7. “Daddy I want to eat that poo. Put it on a plate”
A. That would be unadvisable unless you possess exceptionally large reserves of Tomato Sauce.

8. “Daddy, what did the Chilli Sauce say” ?
A. Son, I notice that a lot of our QA revolves around food. I think we both need to get out more. In the meantime, should the Chilli Sauce continue to communicate with you, please tell Daddy at once and we will notify Oprah Winfrey.

9. “Daddy, I did a poo on the carpet!! Come and look at it!!”
A. *CLICK* Daddy is unavailable right now. Please leave a message and another member of the parenting team will be with you shortly. *BEEP*

10. “Daddy, do you have a poo in your mouth ?”
A. Er… Not to my knowledge.

11. “Daddy, can I have forty biscuits ?”
A. Sorry Funny Man , the property boom is over. Ask Mummy for a piece of lino.

12. “Daddy, what lays Cauliflowers ?”
A. Check the Yellow Pages under ‘Alternative Building Products’.

13. “Daddy, how does Pizza Grow ?”
A. Pizza is one of the classic vegetables of modern civilisation. First grown in ancient Mespotamia it is classified as Vascular Legume and flourishes in conditions with direct exposure to TV and comfy chairs whereit should be planted. Pizza self-germinates. Planting just one Pizza in a comfy chair near a TV results in self-sowing of serveral dozen pizzettes in a 2m radius of the mother plant. Pizza is highly nutritious (no matter what your mother says) containing vitamins Fried Egg, Salami and Cheese. Being a vegetable itself it does require any other vegetables to accompany it, but benefits from companion planting with Chili.

14. “FunnyGirl is that colour Green or Blue ?”
A. That colour is Wednesday.

15. Funny Guys, what would you like for your birthday ?
A. Funny Man A remote control flying Dragon
A2. FunnyGirl Jesus.

16. Q.Daddy, do you know how birds die ?
Daddy: No son, how do birds die ?
Funny Man: They get old and fall out of the sky and smash their heads on the ground.

FAQ compiled by my son, FunnyMan, from age 2 yrs 8 months and daughter,
FunnyGirl, from age 2 yrs 5 months

Pale Imitation here


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